Surgery Emotions

March 23, 2016

Rob and I took Reagan to the ENT today b/c of the multiple ear infections, constant fluid in her ears and two failed hearing tests. After a check today, surprise surprise, she has fluid in her ears. They also asked if Reagan snores and we said yes, so we get a bonus surgery of adenoid removal. And it’s happening tomorrow.


Rob and Reagan at the children’s hospital earlier this week for her regular blood draws.

I’m a little weepy. I know this is a routine surgery, but things with Reagan are anything but routine. Two years after being in the hospital for her metabolic crisis and brain injury, we’re right back there, almost to the day, having surgery.

On top of that, I’ve received some hurtful messages from people recently. And while these aren’t the exact words being shared with me, the message I’m receiving is clear. I’m not worth spending time or energy on, I’m not worth being celebrated and neither is my daughter, I’m an embarrassment and my life choices aren’t up to par with theirs. It’s really negatively affected me, especially during this time of year when my emotions are literally all over the place. (So a surgery should be the perfect pick me up).

Hearing stuff like that makes me feel really small, unimportant and terrible inside. Rob and I try very hard to be great parents, to be there for our friends and to also make our parents proud…all while trying to have record sales in business and be available to our customers. The demands sometimes seem impossible. While it appears to us that everyone else is moving perfectly along in life, we’re working on the “Mmm” sound and the “Ppaa” sound and the “Daa” sound, we’re scheduling surgery, we’re working on trying to drink more than 6oz of formula by mouth. So to hear that I’m not enough…how can that be true? How can someone have that opinion of me? It hurts.

I just want to hear what Reagan has to say, with words from her mouth. I don’t want to feel like Rob and I are always in a life raft, alone, waiting for someone to rescue us. I want for Reagan to be able to just be a kid and enjoy being a kid, instead of having to work so hard at everything that comes naturally to me and you.

Hopefully this surgery will help her talk more by helping her hear more…if it constantly sounds like she’s under water, it would certainly be tough to mimmic the sounds we’re all requesting right? And if she’s constantly fighting ear infections, then drinking formula would be more difficult and possibly painful, right? This surgery should help in a lot of ways. I really hope it does.
Thank you guys for your prayers. xoxo

**update** surgery is canceled due to Reagan vomiting and having a 102 fever. Pray we get through that quickly!

comments +

  1. Mark Vuckovic

    March 23rd, 2016 at 6:34 pm

    While there will always be haters, know that God is using that little girl and your family to point others to Christ – pointing them to what grace, love, and compassion looks like. Her purpose is much greater than what many see. Her little life is and will continue to be ordered by our Lord Jesus who one day will heal ALL of us. Your story is yours for a reason, a reason much bigger than all of us. Little Reagan is a blessing, such a sweet girl. You and Rob are a blessing and she is absolutely blessed to have you both fighting for her. Stay encouraged!

  2. Terry Lulfos

    March 23rd, 2016 at 8:04 pm

    I can’t even begin to imagine someone talking about you that way. Believe me, they are the ones with the problem, not you. You are being pulled in so many different directions, you only have so many hours in a day to devote to your work, friends and family. You don’t need to allocate any of your precious time to people who are absolutely undeserving of your time and attention. Keep your chin up and reach out to friends when needed. Praying for you.

  3. Jen Wellman

    March 23rd, 2016 at 8:23 pm

    Hugs <3
    Don't listen to whatever those people say. WE know you are amazing. I couldn't do half of what you accomplish any given day!!
    Praying for a successful surgery and recovery.

  4. Diane Rossi

    March 23rd, 2016 at 10:48 pm

    Praying for you and family.

    There are always toxic people we have to step away from. Sorry you have to deal with this. Know that there are more that appreciate you and think that you and Rob are incredible parents.

  5. Heather

    March 24th, 2016 at 2:21 am

    You are incredible parents to a beautiful Angel. Screw the haters. You impress me everyday. Hope she feels better soon and that when the surgery takes place that all goes well. Much love to you all.

  6. monica richter

    March 24th, 2016 at 2:46 pm

    Hang in there Ann Marie and Rob. God bless you with tremendous strength, wisdom, faith and much love. This shall also pass. Keeping you in our prayers.

  7. Cecilia Kostadinov

    March 24th, 2016 at 4:57 pm

    Ann Marie, You are a wonderful mother that sets an example of love and endurance. God’s love is with you and your family and he is watching over little Reagan. Hugs and kisses from us.

  8. Laura Beasley

    March 24th, 2016 at 7:22 pm

    You and Rob are amazing and AWESOME parents. Regan is a gift from God!!! You don’t need negative people like them around you anyway so say goodbye and wipe your hands of them. Praying for God to heal
    Regan so she can have her surgery and hear everyone again!! Love you!!

  9. Heike

    March 25th, 2016 at 4:09 pm

    Hi Anne-Marie, I lterately stumbeled over your page after watching the video of your adoption-story on youtube.
    I just can say that everything you do for your little girl is just amazing. All those comments on you being not enough and your daughter being not worth it is complete nonsense to me. Those comments must have been said by someone who is just not able to understand what real parenting love is and that every single life is worth to be happy about and proud of it. You are great! Don’t doubt youself.
    I wish you and your little one all the best.
    As an teacher for children with hearing abilities I can tell you, that indeed hearing and speaking is connected and you are completely right, that I surgery of the ears to make Regan hear better will also have an positive effect on her ability to communicate.
    I pray for a quick recovery so the surgery can take place soon and your lovely girl will here the voices of her loving parents much better.

    All the best for you.
    Best wishes from Hamburg, Germany.

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