Rob and I took Reagan to the ENT today b/c of the multiple ear infections, constant fluid in her ears and two failed hearing tests. After a check today, surprise surprise, she has fluid in her ears. They also asked if Reagan snores and we said yes, so we get a bonus surgery of adenoid removal. And it’s happening tomorrow.
I’m a little weepy. I know this is a routine surgery, but things with Reagan are anything but routine. Two years after being in the hospital for her metabolic crisis and brain injury, we’re right back there, almost to the day, having surgery.
On top of that, I’ve received some hurtful messages from people recently. And while these aren’t the exact words being shared with me, the message I’m receiving is clear. I’m not worth spending time or energy on, I’m not worth being celebrated and neither is my daughter, I’m an embarrassment and my life choices aren’t up to par with theirs. It’s really negatively affected me, especially during this time of year when my emotions are literally all over the place. (So a surgery should be the perfect pick me up).
Hearing stuff like that makes me feel really small, unimportant and terrible inside. Rob and I try very hard to be great parents, to be there for our friends and to also make our parents proud…all while trying to have record sales in business and be available to our customers. The demands sometimes seem impossible. While it appears to us that everyone else is moving perfectly along in life, we’re working on the “Mmm” sound and the “Ppaa” sound and the “Daa” sound, we’re scheduling surgery, we’re working on trying to drink more than 6oz of formula by mouth. So to hear that I’m not enough…how can that be true? How can someone have that opinion of me? It hurts.
I just want to hear what Reagan has to say, with words from her mouth. I don’t want to feel like Rob and I are always in a life raft, alone, waiting for someone to rescue us. I want for Reagan to be able to just be a kid and enjoy being a kid, instead of having to work so hard at everything that comes naturally to me and you.
Hopefully this surgery will help her talk more by helping her hear more…if it constantly sounds like she’s under water, it would certainly be tough to mimmic the sounds we’re all requesting right? And if she’s constantly fighting ear infections, then drinking formula would be more difficult and possibly painful, right? This surgery should help in a lot of ways. I really hope it does.
Thank you guys for your prayers. xoxo
**update** surgery is canceled due to Reagan vomiting and having a 102 fever. Pray we get through that quickly!