Some days are just so hard. Like today…therapy appointments at 10 and 10:30 a.m. Love that they’re back to back, don’t love that they’re in the middle of the morning nap time. And I don’t love that Reagan falls asleep five minutes before we arrive. (Sleep on the way, please!) So, I had a very tired and cranky daughter for speech therapy and physical therapy. I just wonder to myself “is this even worth it?”
Surely she’ll nap on the way home. Nope. We get home around 11:30 a.m., meanwhile I have repeatedly texted Rob about how I am over the day (before noon) and am doing everything I can to not swear in my text messages about how I feel.
At home, it’s on the border of lunch time, but I know that since Reagan woke up at 5:30 a.m. and has only napped for five minutes, I should probably put her down for a nap. I go ahead and do that, while I eat lunch…but when I notice that she’s actually sleeping , I abandon my lunch and try to get some rest.
Napping is not like it used to be, for her or for me. I just tossed and turned and became more irritated about my current life situation. When Reagan woke up, I was just so exhausted…but I fed her, fed myself, tripped over the IV pole and got pissed off. Like seriously, can we get this IV pole out of our lives and can Reagan please eat more than a tablespoon of food and can she please start drinking liquids again? I’m sooooo over this. This is taking forever!!!
Today, I did not want to be the mom. I did not want to be the parent. I did not want to be responsible. I wanted easy. I needed a break. I am positive I’m not the only mom who’s ever said or felt that…but feeling that, saying it and writing it for you to read…makes me feel awful, guilty, ungrateful and unworthy to be a mom. For all the years I wanted to be a mom, and to have children…and now, I’m just mad that this is how God saw fit to make me a mom and I could just cry. I cry over who I’ve lost…how I feel lost and how I feel like a hamster in a wheel that is going nowhere.
The problem with sharing our story and struggle with anyone who wants to read it, is that you can see how hard things are. I guess the positive is you can share in our victories too. If you’re like most people, I bet that it’s hard for you to share in someone’s struggle. That means you have to care…you have to think…you have to put yourself in someone else’s uncomfortable, ugly and tight shoes. And it’s even harder to share those struggles. I’ve never been one to sugar coat how I feel. When I’m down, you can tell, when I’m hopeful you can tell. I’d say most people float through life bouncing between “I’m happy with my life, I’m uncomfortable with this or I don’t want to deal so I’ll just turn that uncomfortable topic off.” Today I wanted to turn off. I wanted to power down.
Years ago, when Rob and I were in a small group during the thick of our infertility battle, I felt so alone. Not only b/c we were the only ones going through infertility in the group, but I personally felt that others were holding back in sharing their real life, deep down struggles. Was no one else going through any struggles? Just Rob and I? Oh…ok. We’ve felt that we are always going through something difficult, whether it be infertility, family struggles and now the struggles we have with Reagan. Every mountain seemed, and continues to seem HUMONGOUS. As we continued to share with our small group, Rob and I would look at our massive mountain and watch as people would shake their head and say things like, “wow, that seems tough” and then go back to how their life was perfect and how the biggest mountain of a decision is what stroller to select. What a cute little hill you need to climb.
Needless to say, we had to bow out of the small group. Insensitivity can breed terrible things. I became bitter, angry and hostile inside. My current situation is no different. While I try to lean on God and beg to feel his presence, sometimes I guess some days I just can’t see past the mountain. Or maybe I’m supposed to look up the mountain b/c that’s where God is? (The mountain is so tall and so wide, I just can’t see a way around it).
I get that no one wants to put their marriage issues on blast, discuss how their three-year old is misbehaving or how they aren’t getting along with someone. But there is nothing I hate more than people being fake and pretending everything is perfect. Is it b/c I majored in advertising and could successfully write BS that would make you want to consume something that I can see through people’s BS so clearly? I don’t know…but here’s a news flash: Your life is not perfect, stop pretending…it’s irritating the heck out of me, and everyone else. What would life look like if we were more transparent about our struggles? One thing that has been like a breath of fresh air are the people who have started to connect with me…other moms who have children with special needs, who go to therapy appointments…I even connected with a mom who has an adopted boy, also with GA-1.
This struggle has allowed for a little bit of gardening to happen in my life, meaning that I’ve been able to prioritize and separate what’s really important and what’s just fluff. B/c I’ve been open about our struggles, I’ve received emails from others who are going through tough times too and I’ve connected with other GA-1 parents…parents whose children have also had a crisis. And they’ve encouraged me and have given me a little bit of hope in a way only they can, having been there. I’m being pruned…and that can be painful.
Rob and I long for Heaven more than ever. We are made to be broken here on earth, so that we can be made perfect in Heaven. We are made to be broken so we can clearly see we need God to save us and help us through this life. Satan is here to destroy…he thoroughly tried to destroy my day, and he succeeded for a few hours. It’s hard to try and overcome those sad feelings, feelings of brokenness, feelings of “hamster-ness” the feeling of spinning and spinning…and then looking around and saying, “did I really not move anywhere?”
Truth is I am moving, I just don’t know where yet. It’s b/c I’m broken and I don’t understand how the pieces fit. The way the pieces are coming back together don’t make sense. But in the end, the picture will be beautiful…whether it be here, or in Heaven.
p.s. Rob sent these photos from his outing with Reagan @ Lowes today with these captions to make my day better.