It’s been almost TWO months since I wrote something. To be perfectly honest, between an insanely busy real estate business and taking care of my two year old wonder, I have a list of BravoTV shows on the DVR that I’ve been using all my free time to get through. There’s my Thursday confession for you…I can’t be the only one, right?
Somedays I neglect God (recently, it’s a lot of days). I don’t want to, but it happens. I wake up like I was shot out of a cannon to cries from across the house. SHE’S UP! Get her meds, change her g-tube site, get the formula ready, get her food ready, weigh it, pray she eats it, try to give her formula by mouth, hope she cooperates, where’s the coffee?! I forgot to brush her TEETH!
Today I got up and decided to throw on a hat to cover my day three of no wash hair, and drove up to the local coffee shop to try and write, and hope that God would give me something awesome to whip up onto the ‘ol blog. I gotta say, I’m struggling. I think it has something to do with watching Million Dollar Listing, Shah’s of Sunset or the Real Housewives of (pick a city) and my shoving God aside to see what’s brewing on all my favorite reality shows.
Do you ever struggle with that? (Maybe not the reality show part, but the thing that you shove God aside for?) Do you ever make it to 11 p.m. at night and say, hmmm…I’ll give God my scraps today at the last hour of the 24 he’s given me and hope that tomorrow turns out better.
This cycle reminds me of what my friend Denise so lovingly coined as “the do-do verses”
“For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” – Romans 7:18-20
There are days when I’m hooking up Reagan’s g-tube to be fed that I am so angry, “I can not believe I have to do this,” and the thoughts of unfairness unfold from there. Then the thoughts of comparison come in. Comparison is a thief that steals and before you know it, it’s robbed you blind.
At a recent neurology appt. I started asking a bunch of questions with a tone of sadness and wondering. The Dr. looked me in the eye and said: “You need to be more positive. You can’t compare Reagan to anyone, you can only compare what she’s doing today, to what she was doing last month, or last year. As long as she continues to improve, even if it’s slow, that’s all that matters.”
Pffft! That’s easy for him to say…I thought to myself. I AM positive…he doesn’t know what it’s like in the daily grind. But you know what, as hard as it was to hear, he was right. I needed a good slap in the head.
Reagan is doing great. What stinks is how my mood is dependent on what she is or isn’t doing on that particular day. Instead of using God to get me through the day, I’m waiting to see how Reagan directs the itinerary. Oh, she fussed at breakfast…that means the day is ruined b/c Reagan is running the show. Well, she’s only running it if I let her. I have to let God run the show in my life, for it to filter through to how I parent her. And spending time with God filters down to every relationship I have and how I treat those in my life.
Spending time with God needs to happen daily. And it doesn’t always happen (see paragraph 2 above). I can say, well it’s b/c I’m human, b/c I am. But I have to try better.
Evidently today’s blog is a big long confession.
I’m certain there are those of you who relate. I have learned that this life is a struggle…it is for everyone. Everyone is going through something. I just wish we would be more open in sharing it with our fellow man. I wish there was more transparency among those who we do life with. That is the only way we don’t feel alone, that is the only way we can help each other. It’s the way we know that the thoughts we have are shared by others. B/c isolation is a dangerous island and I refuse to live there, no matter how pretty the Devil tries to make it look.