I didn’t have a very good day the other day actually, the three weeks leading up to last Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were rough.
- Wednesday: formula catastrophe at almost midnight
- Thursday: notification our therapies were being denied by insurance at Reagan’s appointment (vomit)
- Friday: absolute denial from insurance for any more therapies for Reagan for the remainder of the year (vomit).
Friday was the day that broke both our backs. I was so mad at God, but I needed him to show up more than ever. Bad report after bad report kept coming in and the stress, anxiety and anger had built to a palpable level. I couldn’t even get through writing the Fumble blog b/c complete disaster continued to meet me, whether it be vomit in Reagan’s crib, a call from our Dr. explaining our insurance denial for therapy, Reagan pushing me away while screaming or her bumping her head after falling backwards in her crib b/c she’s not quite strong enough to stand, etc. All the walls caved in on Friday; the little bit of air and life left was sucked out of us. It has taken this weekend for Rob and I to catch our breath…Saturday was hard, Sunday was hard. Reagan didn’t laugh today until 7:45 p.m. and I feel like some days she doesn’t laugh at all. She used to laugh allllll the time.
The endurance Bible verses take on a whole new meaning now. I used to think, “Oh…endurance, what a great quality!” and I’d have a picture in my head of Usain Bolt crossing the finish line in record time holding his arms up to the crowd as if to say: “did everyone see the race I just ran? How awesome am I?!” Umm…no. That’s not what endurance looks like. We are crawling to the finish line of every day. And I know that tomorrow we will wake up and walk and jog and try to keep pace; but by the end of the day, I’m flat on my face, asphalt in my cheeks and under my nails, as I claw my way to the end of the day.
I asked for contributions to the Reagan Fund on Friday and Rob and I both HATE asking for help in that aspect, that’s why I’ve barely mentioned it since it was set up until now. B/c we are self sufficient people, right? I asked God, why are you doing this? Why do we have to humble ourselves to this point? And I heard him say “so that the love of Christ can be shown to you.” It’s so people can carry us when we can not carry ourselves…it’s so that the church could show up for us. It’s so that you all can endure with us.
And the church has shown up in droves.
Friday night I got word that the most amazing little Instagram shop decided to organize an online auction in August to raise money for Reagan and created an Instagram account to hold it. The responses have been overwhelming and Rob and I are blown away. I don’t even know how this auction is going to work, but I know that people are fighting in our corner and they are rooting for Reagan in an unbelievable fashion.
Tonight, we went on our first family bike ride. Reagan wasn’t sure what to do with her arms, so she put them above her head.
We give great honor to those who endure under suffering. For instance, you know about Job, a man of great endurance. You can see how the Lord was kind to him at the end, for the Lord is full of tenderness and mercy. – James 5:10
Praying for God’s tenderness and mercy to come to our family very, very soon.