As Reagan’s first birthday approaches, I have so much to reflect on over this past year. Looking back, I don’t know how we did it. She has never been sick, even though I was sick for about a month, and Rob somehow had a fever for a brief moment. We’ve figured out her food, even on days that she doesn’t want to eat b/c of her teeth wanting to break free, we’ve adapted the menu to make sure she gets what she’s supposed to.
Truth be told…there’s been a lot of tears (like A LOT of tears) in between the victories. Now I know why God says don’t worry about tomorrow, b/c today has enough. That statement has never felt more true to me than during this past year being a mom to Reagan. I worry constantly about her.
Every morning when I wake her up…I feel her forehead and cheeks as I kiss her to see if she feels warm and might have a fever. Every morning. She doesn’t know I’m checking that…she thinks I’m lovin’ on her as she flies out of her crib in my arms.
Every time she doesn’t drink her bottle or eat her food, I worry about how much the deficiency will affect her diet that day. She doesn’t understand why I make her laugh before I give her a huge heaping bite of food, I do it b/c I have to get it in and a laughing mouth is just easier…she probably just thinks I’m funny.
As I reflect on the day she was born, and then her diagnosis a few days later, I remember the polar opposite flood of emotions. I can remember both the beautiful and the ugly so vividly.
And then the reality of the unknown and all the uncertainty that life brings seemed to have parked itself right in the middle of my house and it lay heavy on my heart.
Worry seemed to be my drumbeat. And I didn’t like it. It’s still beating even now…a slow, steady beat of worry inside of me.
Is that b/c I’m a parent? Aside from all the details of what and why I’m worrying, is this just parenthood?
A year ago, I had no idea what to expect. Now, I watch in awe as Reagan continues to thrive. She’s an amazing sleeper, and at 11 ½ months, we’ve finally been given the all clear to let her sleep 12 hours uninterrupted, without feeding her. She’s walking along surfaces and holds her hand out for our support as she rushes into us to give us a hug. She blabs…blab la bla. She laughs with so much heart!! And she claps and jumps on her bed and in the bath; she’s a total handful.
Reagan has enriched our lives so much since joining our family. And on days when the tears won’t stop (hers or mine) or the naps that won’t take or the fussing never ends, I know…I KNOW, that God put her in our lives for a reason. There are days that are hard, but every day God has new mercies, thank goodness for that. Thank goodness that today’s trouble is gone when I go to sleep and that a new day is coming. And the days are good.
February 11th, 2014 at 1:52 pm
You and Rob are wonderful parents and the reason you are is because you both look to Our Lord Jesus to help you through the difficulties of life–they make you stronger and wiser.
February 11th, 2014 at 3:01 pm
How do you put in words what being a parent is day by day; minute by minute; when you welcome a small one into your home and your heart it opens the door to worry, fear and guilt (no matter what you do – you will second guess yourself) but it also opens the door to a joy that is beyond expression. Enjoy the moments of joy and continue to walk this journey with God and your family – you are both amazing people and Regan is so blessed to have you for her parents.
I keep you all in my prayers –