“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret – it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.” Psalm 37:3-9

“They lived happily ever after. These may be the most beautiful and haunting words in the entire library of mankind…this is written on the human heart, this longing for happily ever after.” – John Eldridge, Epic

Today is the year anniversary of the day we came home from the hospital when Reagan had RSV. It is also the year anniversary of one of my most cherished memories. The night before, I told AM to sleep at home. We had been in the hospital for a week and were exhausted. The room we had only had one hospital bed, so I decided I would stay. I would wake up in the morning to mix Reagan’s bottle and hope she would drink something as well as make her some breakfast since she was eating like a champ.

I had woken up before her and started fixing her food in the dark and silence, at least the silence of the hospital. As I was almost finished, I heard her begin to stir. She was waking up. I looked to her crib and saw her lift up her head and look around the room. Her eyes landed on me and with excitement and relief, she let out a word I have only heard that once. “DA-DEEE!”

As she said that word, she began to crawl to the side of the crib I was on. She was excited to see me. She was relieved I was there with her. And she wanted to be closer. A year has gone by and I have not heard those words again since. And while there is pain in my heart over everything that has been stolen, especially this, I remain hopeful.

Somedays the tears still come through and I succumb to the loss and grief I’ve suffered, but I still have hope. I hope in a future, that among other things, will include hearing Reagan call out to me “DA-DEEE!” in excitement and joy. I long for moments like this to happen, mostly so I don’t have to live only with the memory and the loss of them. I long for that happily ever after.