I had heard this song before everything happened…it’s got more depth and meaning to me now. I’d recommend playing it while reading the post.
I know Jesus walked on water, and I don’t want to minimize that, but he’s God…he can do that. However Peter, he’s like me…and he walked on the water too.
Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, “It’s a ghost!”
But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!
Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”
“Yes, come,” Jesus said.
So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.
Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,”Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”
I love how Jesus tells Peter he has such little faith…he stepped out of the boat onto the water and walked! But as soon as he took his eyes of Jesus, he got scared. He looked down and saw the waves, he realized how windy it was and that he was in the middle of major storm, not on a boat, not in a life raft, on his feet.
Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours.
God can heal Reagan. I believe it. But do I think it will really happen? How do you get to that point? I know this happened to Reagan b/c it was God’s plan all along. I know that it was his plan. I’ve replayed all the months of decisions before her metabolic crisis and I only heard one thing from God when I do that: “Trust my plan. Trust my plan. Trust my plan.”
Is it his plan for her to be healed this side of Heaven? I don’t know. Should I still believe it CAN happen this side of Heaven AND pray for it? Yes. That is a crazy place for my mind to settle. It requires a lot of trust. The thoughts themselves seem to conflict another.
When I became a Christian in college, one of the prayers I had and continue to have, is that God would never let me go. Always keep me close. We are all prone to wander toward earthly desires…success, money, a happy, easy life. Rob and I discussed when you have success in this life, you can start to think it’s your doing. Everything belongs to God, our businesses, Reagan…they are God’s. I thought infertility is what God wanted us to go through to keep us close to him…even though I would get so mad at him for making us go through that while all our friends got pregnant. Then I thought, GA-1 is what he was using for us to lean on him. I was mad, but I leaned on God more than ever. But now…now, I think this is the catalyst that has sealed me to relying and trusting on God for every moment. At this point, I’m just living on water and I HAVE to keep my eyes on Jesus or I will sink so fast.
When our every day catastrophes happen, I fall fast, the tears are hot and I can not see past the moment at hand. Everything at that moment, to me, is the worst thing that’s ever happened. Without getting into too much detail our every day catastrophes include most diaper changes equaling outfit changes (or baths), which is fun when you’re late for an appt. or doing it all in the back of the SUV. A lot of formula messes in the high chair, the car seat…or that time Reagan’s g-tube got a pinhole leak and Rob had to cut it and re-attach it so we didn’t have to go to the hospital to get it fixed. Things like this have happened just about every single day. Intermix that with the fact that our normal includes waking her up to feed her at 10 p.m., waking up at 6:30 a.m. to give her six medications, and every day I WISH so bad that she could follow behind me on her feet and walk and chase me…we are confined to sitting in a chair, laying on the floor…but she’s rolling a lot so I am thankful for that. It’s just not what I ever thought would happen when we finally had a baby.
And there you have it…in that one paragraph, my eyes were removed from Jesus…and I got sad, worried, fearful, etc. I sank. it took me two minutes. Satan is slick like that, before you know it, you are having a pity party. Believe me, I feel like I have every right to have a pity party, but I hate pity parties…they suck.
When I listen to certain songs and sing them over and over here’s what I’m reminded of…God can heal my heart and open my eyes to the things unseen and show me how to love like he loves me. Everything I have belongs to God. One day I will walk from earth, into eternity and the path I take matters. I will call upon God’s name…and keep my eyes above the waves. When Oceans rise I will rest in God’s embrace…b/c I belong to him. That’s where I’m choosing to live.
Rob and I think the “comical” part of that story in Matthew is Jesus saying Peter has so little faith…he was walking on water, he totally had faith, it was just short lived. The real life application is that Peter knew he was falling, knew he lost faith and sight of Jesus and he recognized that he needed help. He also knew who could save him and he called out to Jesus. And Jesus immediately pulled him out. Jesus was right there. God never forsakes us…he’s always right there.
May 25th, 2014 at 2:34 pm
Tears flowed as I listened to the song and read what you wrote….i feel the struggle…the pain….the hope….the sorrow….the joy & trust that only He can give when the battles rage and you feel like you are going to drown….and then we call out His name and He lifts us up again and again. How precious is your faith that is a light in this dark world who needs to know Him. Much love to you three.
May 25th, 2014 at 9:07 pm
Thank you Sandy. We covet your prayers…I know you can relate to loss, just in a different way. <3 you!