Earlier this week I had a Facebook memory come up…some memories are horrible, and they’ll always be horrible. I don’t like the reminder, Facebook.
It’s a blog from two years ago, and in painstaking detail, I write about our eight day hospital stay. When I read it, I think: “maybe that’s where we messed up…maybe we should have pushed for this instead of that. This is where things must have changed. Should we have been discharged from the hospital or stayed longer? Would that have made a difference?”
I text the blog and all these thoughts to Rob, but I told him that I already knew the answer. It was God’s plan all along. There wasn’t more that could have been done. I’ve done that dance for two years and I don’t do it anymore. I land on the fact that this was God’s plan for Reagan and for us. Who are we to thwart God’s plans? We can’t change them…Reagan’s days were determined before I was even born.
Rob and I are the only ones who know exactly what it’s like. Yes, we had some family and friends who were there, but Reagan is not their daughter. She’s our daughter.
So Rob sent me these photos as we took a break from work in the middle of the day and decided to take a memory lane detour for a few minutes. And realize, this is so hard for me, for us, to re-live. It’s hard for me to look at photos of before because, I start thinking we should have done more, and I start thinking that I’m a failure for not being able to save her from what happened. And I start to wonder what sort of things she’d be saying, I start thinking I’m missing out on who she might be.
But that’s a lie. Because this is who Reagan was created to be.
On March 22, Rob played with Reagan outside and captured these photos:
Reagan is strong and healthy and holding a straw with her mouth. She can’t do that now. Everything seems perfect. The sun is shining, she’s got a big flower bow and a shirt that matches the sunshine.
On April 6th, we came home from the hospital, and this is a picture from a video we took in the car on our way home.
I told Rob that she looks confused, which could be explained by being in the hospital for eight days. And her mouth is open more…this photo makes me wonder, was the damage already happening? Is the reason she didn’t want to drink her bottle because she couldn’t.
The photos below were on April 7th. I don’t even know if I’ve ever seen these photos since they were on Rob’s phone, but I told him that she looks weaker…especially the one of her laying on the blanket.
Since Reagan wasn’t drinking, we took her to one of the most renowned therapists in the area, Deborah Beckman. And on April 8th, on the DAY she had her crisis we had an appointment in the morning and she said the strength in Reagan’s mouth was that of a four to six month old. Reagan was 13 months, drinking and eating, like a child her age is supposed to.
Looking back at everything like this in a cumulative manner, Rob and I know that these were signs that things were changing. But just because something is happening, doesn’t mean you can stop it. I’ve said it before and it’s true, even if we knew damage was happening in her brain, there is nothing on this earth, short of God’s hand on her, that could ever stop it. There’s no medicine, no machine; there is nothing that could have prevented it.
The hardest photos to look at side by side are the next two.
April 8, 2014 at 5:26 p.m.
April 9, 2014 at 12:28 a.m.
What we didn’t know then, was that Reagan had already had the basal ganglia hit to her brain. The only thing we knew was that she had one seizure. The seizure was due to the basal ganglia being completely damaged. It’s like her brain was short circuiting trying to figure things out.
There are other photos and videos. Videos of her flailing that I posted on the blog back in 2014…but this photo gets me every time.
You can see a million things in my eyes, even though I’m looking away. I was so angry at God. I was so mad and pissed off at him, and I was so hurt and I just wanted things to go back. I felt like I was living in a nightmare, because I was. It seemed like the only time my eyes stopped leaking tears was when they were asleep. And then there’s my mom, covering her only grandchild in prayer and love, and extending it to her only daughter. This photo shows the broadest spectrum of emotions between mothers and daughters.
After we got Reagan’s MRI results, I wrote this blog. It’s one of the most emotionally raw things I’ve written and the only time I’ve ever dropped the F bomb in the blog (I think). I remember writing it at the Ronald McDonald House in a blue room with insanely high ceilings and beautiful wooden beams, located in the the top corner of the building. I wrote it, never re-read it just hit “publish” forgetting all about the fact that I just let that expletive fly. But it was so real and totally accurate to the mood of that moment. Re-reading it, though, there are so many things we were told we would never do with Reagan that we have done! Like take her to pre-school, a regular pre-school, go out to dinner, breakfast, etc. She definitely is one of the bouncing kids when she goes to the hospital for blood draws, and while she’s not talking yet, she tries to talk, she signs, and is using her “talker” device to help tell us things. And she mostly tells us she wants to eat a veggie burger.
I can’t believe it’s been two years since her crisis. Seems like yesterday but at the same time, a lifetime ago.
Today Reagan is doing everything we were told she wouldn’t. Walking is certainly one of her greatest achievements…she started at two and a half years old and continues to get stronger every day. She eats, she can feed herself finger foods and use a fork somewhat consistently. She drinks her formula out of a WOW cup, not all of it but on a really good day she can drink almost half. She communicates and she understands 100% of what’s going on. And she’s still got that sass.
She loves to play dress up and she loves to climb. The coordination in this video is mind boggling.
The prayers that have gone up to God for our child…to say we are THANKFUL for your prayers doesn’t seem adequate. God is so amazing to listen to our prayers and then ACT upon them with healing power because of our persistent pleading. Our specific prayers now are for Reagan to talk, clearly. For Reagan to be able to have the motor planning pattern and correct movements in her mouth. This will help her not only talk, but eat and drink more. She’s a complete miracle child, God’s hand has definitely been working in her body because of your prayers. So please, please don’t stop.
I know this was a heavy blog, but I want those reading to know that Rob and I are in a good place with Reagan. You don’t have to feel sorry for her or for us. Instead stand in awe that God still performs miracles today in 2016 and you all are witnessing it. God’s totally in control and who knows why we’ve had to take, what most would view as a life detour. It’s not a detour if it’s the way God had planned all along.