Life’s Blimp View

The other day I decided to look at Reagan’s adoption video…with her birthday coming up, I think I was getting sentimental about the day she was born and wanted to relive those first few moments. I was shocked that in just a year, almost 20,000 people have viewed it.

Before the adoption video, I did the infertility video…and in two years, almost 12,000 people have viewed that. I have no idea what made me start sharing things so personal in my life.  It’s not for the “view count” I really think I just needed a way to express how I was feeling, the videos are an outpouring of my heart and from tears shed to show that life is hard…there’s real struggles people face and I know I’m not the only one. You can feel alone in infertility…you can feel alone when dealing with something that most people don’t have to. One way to not feel alone, is to talk about it, the videos for me helped to open conversations not just for me, but for others who are dealing with tough stuff.

If I were to look back at that first infertility video…and how I made it one afternoon just sitting in a puddle of my own tears, wondering when my time was supposed to come, there’s no way that back then I could even fathom making a video for my one year old to celebrate her first year.

What has unfolded in our lives, has always been the plan God had in store, but I didn’t know…and how could I? God is the only one who has the blimp view of life and can see the beginning, the middle and the end of the parade. And he knew, that we needed to go through painful years of infertility to have what it takes to care for Reagan. And if I watch all three videos in a row, I get that blimp view except I’m looking back at the start of parade vs. God who can also look forward. And looking back I can say God is good. But not only that…I need to have faith that says, “look forward and know that God is good.”

As I look back on this past year, I am looking back with huge smiles and tears of joy, truth be told, I was scared to death for what the year would hold. I was holding my breath and on the edge of my seat. I feel like this video for Reagan’s first year is a sigh of relief. And I hope we go through many years with her where we can look back with a big smile, such pride and unbelief at how amazing she is. This is her story…we’re just watching it unfold.

What a Year

As Reagan’s first birthday approaches, I have so much to reflect on over this past year. Looking back, I don’t know how we did it. She has never been sick, even though I was sick for about a month, and Rob somehow had a fever for a brief moment. We’ve figured out her food, even on days that she doesn’t want to eat b/c of her teeth wanting to break free, we’ve adapted the menu to make sure she gets what she’s supposed to.

Truth be told…there’s been a lot of tears (like A LOT of tears) in between the victories. Now I know why God says don’t worry about tomorrow, b/c today has enough. That statement has never felt more true to me than during this past year being a mom to Reagan. I worry constantly about her.

Every morning when I wake her up…I feel her forehead and cheeks as I kiss her to see if she feels warm and might have a fever. Every morning.  She doesn’t know I’m checking that…she thinks I’m lovin’ on her as she flies out of her crib in my arms.

Every time she doesn’t drink her bottle or eat her food, I worry about how much the deficiency will affect her diet that day. She doesn’t understand why I make her laugh before I give her a huge heaping bite of food, I do it b/c I have to get it in and a laughing mouth is just easier…she probably just thinks I’m funny.

As I reflect on the day she was born, and then her diagnosis a few days later, I remember the polar opposite flood of emotions. I can remember both the beautiful and the ugly so vividly.

And then the reality of the unknown and all the uncertainty that life brings seemed to have parked itself right in the middle of my house and it lay heavy on my heart.

Worry seemed to be my drumbeat. And I didn’t like it. It’s still beating even now…a slow, steady beat of worry inside of me.

Is that b/c I’m a parent? Aside from all the details of what and why I’m worrying, is this just parenthood?

A year ago, I had no idea what to expect. Now, I watch in awe as Reagan continues to thrive. She’s an amazing sleeper, and at 11 ½ months, we’ve finally been given the all clear to let her sleep 12 hours uninterrupted, without feeding her. She’s walking along surfaces and holds her hand out for our support as she rushes into us to give us a hug.  She blabs…blab la bla. She laughs with so much heart!! And she claps and jumps on her bed and in the bath; she’s a total handful.

Reagan has enriched our lives so much since joining our family. And on days when the tears won’t stop (hers or mine) or the naps that won’t take or the fussing never ends, I know…I KNOW, that God put her in our lives for a reason. There are days that are hard, but every day God has new mercies, thank goodness for that. Thank goodness that today’s trouble is gone when I go to sleep and that a new day is coming. And the days are good.